Hot..

It's too hot... I can't take it!!! Today in New Jersey it is 100 degrees... Do you know what that girl did this morning.  She put two ice cubes in my water cooler.  She didn't put them in the tank part, she put them in the actual dish I drink out of.  Umm, hello how am I supposed to maneuver around them.  My tongue might get stuck on one of those suckers..

Finally, the girl came home to turn on the air conditioner.  It's a loud beast of a machine, but it works wonders. 

Outside

Outside is what they call it.  Outside seems like a magical place to be.  There are trees, flowers, and grass.  There are lots of bugs and other animals too.  Every day I look out the window and see things moving all over the place out there.  It seems so exciting.  I sit and look every day, wishing I could go out there.  When I hear the humans come home from work, I race to the portal which leads to the outside.  I sit and wait and stand as close as I possibly can.  When they unlock and open the portal, I carefully try to get a better glimpse of the outside world.  The humans push me with their feet and tell me "No" (they love that word).

The other day I tried to sniff my way to the outside and of course I was yelled at.  I was just trying to see that big flower across the grass that looks so tasty.  I know the humans don't want me to go outside.  They are trying to protect me.  They think I won't survive out there.  This may be true...

1) There are scary things outside like garbage trucks and kids.
2) Sometimes the wind can blow very hard, I might get blown away.
3) I have no thumbs
4) It rains outside, which is such a dreadful occurrence.  I can't imagine having to dodge rain drops in order to find a hiding place.
5) I don’t know what this is, but I’ve heard its horrible to run into… a skunk? 

Sometimes the temptations are too strong.  I see birds, leaves, chipmunks, and butterflies and I just NEED to chase them.  There are also fences and tables that I can jump onto... it's too much for a cat to resist.

Well... I caved into temptation.  The other day the girl had a lot of things to bring into the house from her car.  She kept going back and form through the portal.  So, I saw that she didn't close the portal all the way.  I just had to... I pushed the door open with my head.  I took a quick peek, and the girl was still at her car.  I walked out onto the front steps and sat there for a few moments.  I was waiting for her.  I missed her and was happy to see her so I wanted to wait.  I thought I was being sweet and that she would love to see me waiting for her.

Let me tell you how wrong I was.  The girl was not happy I was outside.  I was about to bolt off because I saw a leaf blow by  but.......the girl tricked me by telling me there was a treat inside... as I approached she snatched me up and threw me into the house.  The girl was very upset and scared that I went outside.  I even heard her say to the boy "we have to be careful with her".  I guess they really care about me.  But, I also love leaves and grass very much.  So, I guess we’ll see what happens in the future.

Then the girl said something rather peculiar... she said "good thing she's micro chipped".  Micro chipped?!  Say what?! I'm micro chipped?  They can track my every move!  Have you ever seen that move The Net… with Sandra Bullock (one of my faves).  That could happen to me now that I’ve been chipped.   Oh no, they must know that I was chewing on those papers in the office. I must go and hide the evidence before I'm caught!

Lazy

What a lazy Sunday... I love it.  The girl and boy have been in and out all day.  They pulled the blinds up for me and I've been napping on a blanket that's perched on top of the couch looking out the window for... ohhhh about 4 hours or so.  Occasionally a bird flies by which its great.   There's not too much to report today everyone.  Nothing really eventful going on.  Oh, except the humans are fiddling with some new giant cleaning machine in the basement, and they got water EVERYWHERE.  I steered clear of that one.  I love to be around the humans and see all the stupid and exciting things that they do.. but when it involves water, I'm outta there!  They didn't seem too happy about the water going all over.  I wouldn't be either.  I went down to check on my litter box.  All seems ok, thank goodness.  I hate when they mess with my litter box.  I really should get back to my napping.  As should all of you... there should be a law, Sundays should be designated for napping.

Guests

I just got word... guests are coming over!  Some cats hate it when strange people come into their homes.  Me on the other hand, I see this as an opportunity.  When new people come into the house there are so many good things that can happen (bad too, but the good outweigh the bad).

The Good:

1) The new people are overwhelmed by my cuteness and immediately want to give me lots and lots of attention.  Do I deny them? No.  Do you think I'm going to pass up on some free lovin'?  I'll even allow a belly rub or two as I roll around the floor.

2) When strange people come over (and let me tell you, some of them are pretty strange... like that Santa looking dude with the grey beard.. just odd) there is usually extra food involved.  The strange people bring food in, and the girl human makes more food than usual.  This is always a good thing.

3) While on the subject of food this brings me to my next point... more people in the house means more food on the floor.  I will be on high alert during this time.  I will station myself directly underneath the table (no chairs will be available today).  Being under the table I will have 360 degree access to every person eating and be aware of every piece that plummets to the floor.  I will be there to retrieve all pieces.

The Bad:

1) Sometimes when there are more people in the house you have to watch out for your tail.  More traffic = more feet.  It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure that one out.

2) When the big strange humans bring the short strange humans with them, it's never good.  I think they are called kids.  Last time I checked, a kid was a baby goat... but if that's what humans want to call their offspring, go right ahead (just weird).  These kids do not understand the art of petting. They slap and smush instead of delicately stroking the fur.  They also think that tails are detachable (I will kill whoever told them this).  When kids are present, I go into hiding.   The basement is always best, kids are afraid of the basement.

3) This is the worst negative.  Some stupid humans have a fear of cats.  Can you believe it?  They actually fear me!  It is so ridiculous.  They fear for their lives at the very sight of me.  What do they think I'm going to do.. fly through the air, land on their head, and rip them to shreds.  First of all, I can't fly... I only have back claws...and I have no thumbs.  What damage could I possibly do?   When these humans show up I am put into solitary confinement.  I go into the guest bedroom and am given food, water, and some toys.  It is not fun.  I try to escape for a few minutes, but I have not mastered the door knob yet.

So... the guests have now arrived and I am getting lots and lots of attention.  This is a very exciting day.  It is a beautiful sunny day and lots of food will soon be dropped onto the floor.  Mmmmmm... I can smell the hamburgers and hotdogs cooking away on the cooking apparatus outside.  I can't wait.

This will be absolutely de..lic..i.. what's going on?  Oh no.... this can't be.  I forgot.  How could I forget?  The humans are taking the food and eating outside?!?!  They do this when the weather is sunny and warm.  Nooo, not fair.. all that food is gone :(  Nothing will drop on the floor for me. 

Bye, Bye, Beef...

The Golden Rule

Why do humans feel the need to touch and/or pet me when I'm taking a nap?  I find a comfortable spot to sleep, I fluff the area with my paws, then turn in circles a few times until I find the most comfortable position possible...... only to have you come and touch me.  I'm nice and comfy and you come along and say "awwwww" and start rubbing my head.  You woke me up because I'm cute and you wanted to say hello? What's the deal people?

I can't help it that I'm just so damn cute, but please have some respect.  I'm really getting tired of this.  Sometimes, I'm in such a deep sleep that when you disturb me I embarrass myself by doing one of those half assed gurgling meows and have a drunken look on my face.  You may think I look cute like that but that is my pissed off face.

You know what... I'm going to reverse the roles next time.  The next time I see you taking a nap, sleeping ever so comfortably I'm going to jump up next to you and just smack you right across the face.  Perhaps I'll giving you a loving head butt.  Maybe I will strategically place my whiskers right below your nose.  Then I'll just sit and stare at you like you are the cutest thing I've ever seen (even though you're not, especially when you sleep.  You're gross when you sleep.. your mouth is wide open, your breath  stinks of mint, and you have spit coming out of the corner of your mouth like a wild animal of some sorts.. not a pretty sight).  As a result, you will wake up totally bewildered with that confused/drunken look on your face.  I'm sure you will make a few grunting and gurgling sounds too.

Hey humans, take some advice from the smarter breed...... follow the golden rule.

TREAT OTHERS HOW YOU WANT TO BE TREATED

Thursdays stink!

I hate Thursdays.  It's the day of the week that just draaaaaags.  It's almost the weekend... yet it's still not quite here yet.  By Thursday, I can get pretty bored.  When I'm bored, I usually get into some trouble.  Thursday mornings are also when something absolutely horrifying happens.

So today I was taking a nap.  I think it was the 4th or 5th nap of the morning, I'm not sure though.  I'm sleeping on the couch by the window as the warm sun blankets over me.  I was having the best dream too.  In my dream I was locked in a pet store (I know it sounds like a nightmare but just wait).  However, this pet store only sold birds, and all of their cages were unlocked!  How awesome is that!  So, as I was saying, I was thoroughly enjoying my dream.

Just as I was about to snatch up a Parakeet, I was woken up in the worst possible way......the Garbage Truck!

I hate the garbage truck, it is so evil.  It drives around the neighborhood making the most dreadful noises, scaring the ever loving crap out of me.  As it drives around, I must not leave the window.  I must withstand the torture as I watch.  I need to make sure it does not make a wrong turn towards my house and crush us all!  I really hope the humans appreciate my services here.

As I sit and watch with fear I get to see how truly evil the Garbage Truck is.  It stops in front of every single house and STEALS; yes I said steals, our leftovers!  The humans like to put all the delicious leftovers in a plastic bag that sits inside of a plastic container in the kitchen.  When that gets filled up they like to put it outside in an even bigger plastic storage container.  Can you believe those thieves in the Garbage Truck steal the bags out of the containers?  They leave the containers behind, proving they only steal the good stuff.  In the blink of an eye, our hard earned leftovers are gone.  Chicken on the grill, gone… half of a turkey sandwich, gone…. Half eaten piece of london broil, gone.  It’s just all gone…

Thursdays are sad and scary.  I suspect the humans do not challenge or take revenge on the evil Garbage Truck because they are afraid, as am I.  We do not want to be crushed into flat pancakes of fur.

So sad... I'm feeling awfully depressed right now, I must go snack and nap to ease the pain......

Oh my God!!!!! Catnip!! I thought I lost this toy.  Today is the best day ever! gotta go play :)

Dinner Time

Dinner time is better than Christmas!  The best is that it happens everyday.  I'm not talking about cat food dinnertime, I'm talking about the people dinner time. Some days are better than others, but dinner is the best time of the day!  The girl human is the one who is usually in charge of dinner time.  But... the boy does his fair share of cooking too.  My absolute favorites are anything involving chicken and well... more chicken!  The girl doesn't always seem so excited about dinner time like I am. She looks in the cabinets, freezer, and refrigerator with a disappointed face.  It's like she doesn't want to cook or something.  Then they both get in the car and go have dinner somewhere else.  I hate when that happens.

The first thing I must do when it is dinner time is to be patient.  I must wait for the food to arrive at the table (that's when I make my first move).  I strategically place myself on an empty chair.  It is vital that you do NOT select a chair that one of the humans will sit in.  If you choose one of those seats it is a guarantee that you will be kicked off immediately (humans do not mess around when it comes to their seats).  Once in place I must not expose myself.  I am to hide underneath the table cloth.  If I am exposed, I run the risk of being exiled from the room during dinner time.  I heard a story once that this cat was locked up in the basement everyday during dinner time... I shudder at the thought.  Once the humans have placed the food on their plates and start to enjoy their meal, that is when I reveal myself..  Ta Da..... I'm here.  I pop up from behind the table cloth on the chair... sort of like a jack-in-the-box.  Usually the humans think this is quite humorous and cute.

The next phase of my plan takes patience and precision.  I must execute "the lean".  I lean as far as I can towards the food, without jumping up on the table. I must do this slowly and discretely.  First, I inch my body forward, followed by a light stretch of the neck.  If I'm feeling gutsy I may place a paw on the edge of the table.  Finally, a full push forward with my nose (I'm pretty much on the table at this point).  This my friends is "the lean".

Once I do the lean, I usually hear those dreaded words... "Penny, No!" and I get pushed off the chair (like that is going to stop me).

My next plan of action is to position myself on the floor and stare up at the two chowhounds.  I keep my eye on them, never looking away.  At the same time I must be aware of any delicious morsels that may fall to the floor.

When this plan yields no results I must pull out the big guns.  This last plan must be used sparingly.  If used too much it will lose its effectiveness.  I save this plan for grilled chicken, thanksgiving, chicken cutlets, and tacos.  I return to the chair I was on previously.  Get ready... my last plan is simple but extremely effective...it's time for full on CUTENESS...

How can you resist this adorable furball of love?  Awwwww, look at those eyes just staring at you so sadly.  All I want is a piece of the delicious chicken you have prepared so wonderfully.  One little bite will surely fill my tiny grumbling tummy.  Pretty pretty please?

Guess what?.......... This NEVER fails.......... SUCKERS!!