Some people like to think that being a cat is easy. Additionally, I often hear "In my next life I want to come back as a cat." Where this false perception has come from bewilders me. Well, I am here today to tell you all just how hard a cat's life really is. I am going to shed some light on a cat's reality. Let's take a look, shall we. The beginning of a new day starts at midnight, 12:00am (keep up humans, that's when both the big hand and little hand on the clock point to the 12). Since 12am is the beginning of a new day, that is when I will begin my daily schedule.
12:00 a.m.
I roam the downstairs facilities. Ohhhh looky here, I find a piece of chicken on the floor. I eat the piece of chicken. I realize that... it was not chicken, it was dirt. Crap!
12:30 a.m.
I find a hair tie and knock it all over the living room. I crash into a side table and a very expensive/pretty candle goes crashing to the ground.
1:00 a.m.
I mosey on over to my place setting and have a snack and a drink of water from my water cooler. (yep living the high life).
1:15 a.m.
I sit in the middle of the living room floor just staring at random things for long periods of time.
1:50 a.m.
Bathroom and an investigation of the basement.
2:30 a.m.
I go upstairs and inspect each and every room for the 3 F's. What are the 3 F's you ask? Food, Fun, and Flying things. It is imperative that every night, each room is scoped out for the 3 F's.
3:00 a.m.
I go into the humans bedroom and jump up onto the bed. I walk around the humans a few times to find the best place to sleep. Found it! I squeeze myself into the tiniest spot next to the girl. (I sense she is not too happy about this). It's not my fault, its my bed too!
4:30 a.m.
I follow the girl to the bathroom and sit there and stare at her. I then go to the office and sleep on the big office chair.
6:00 a.m.
The girl's device starts ringing loudly. She seems very pissed off and aggravated. I wait for her to calm down and go into the bathroom again. I wait for her on the bath mat while she allows water to pour all over herself (I really don't get these humans). Then as she grooms herself and paints her face, I get in her way.
7:00 a.m.
Breakfast! If I'm lucky the girl will make a sandwich with some of that delicious turkey or ham..... Damn no turkey, no ham. I then proceed to eat my own food.
7:30 a.m.
Yes! I have the whole house to myself.
8:00 a.m.
Sit in the window and watch the birds. Bluejays are my favorite.
8:30 a.m.
I fall asleep in the window with the warm sunshine beating down on me.
9:30 a.m.
Snack and water time.
9:35 a.m.
A spider!! I follow and slap him (over.. and over... and over... and over again..).
10:00 a.m.
snack time!
10:15 a.m.
I find a tiny patch of sun shining on the carpet. That calls for a nap.
11:30 a.m.
I jump up on the kitchen counters (shhhh don't tell). I find the spoon the girl used to scoop out my breakfast! That was an unexpected snack :) While on the counter I knock things down off of the counter (oven mit, fork, plastic bag..) you name it, I got it.
12:30 p.m.
Naptime
4:00 p.m.
The girl comes home (she looks frazzled). I roll around on the floor on the carpet (when you do that, the humans think you're all cute and stuff and they like to pet you and scratch your ears and neck).
5:00 p.m.
The boy comes home. Same thing....... Roll around + act cute = pure bliss.
6:00 p.m.
Beg and I mean BEG for some human food.
6:30 p.m.
Dinner (begging didn't work). And ugh! they gave me the same food as this morning. I really can't stand that humans think I want to eat the same flavor for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
7:00 p.m.
I lay down on top of the couch looking out the window.
8:00 p.m.
The boy taught me how to play fetch with hair ties. Dogs are dumb, but that game of fetch they invented... just awesome!
8:30 p.m.
Snack, water, bathroom
9:00 p.m
I lay down with the humans while they watch the box that lights up. Then, I jump in front of the box and watch the humans get mad.
11:00 p.m
The humans have fallen asleep. I start to make noise by playing with a toy I have found underneath the bed.
11:30 p.m.
I get thrown out of the bedroom (absolutely rude)
12:00 a.m.
It starts all over again!
Now... I dare you to say that cats have it easy!
Penny
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Monday, May 30, 2011
Beef.... it's almost what was for dinner :(
I was so damn close! As I said she would, the girl human brought the food bags into the house and I was ready to do a sneak attack after she left to go back to the car. Immediately, I spotted the beef. I was pushing my nose through the bag, and then the girl human comes in. However, she got distracted by an ant! They are having ant problems lately (which they usually respond with "Penny get the ant", Do I look like an exterminator to you?, I think not). So, she's distracted by the ant, trying to find a napkin to squash it. Lady, it's an ant, by the time you find a napkin it will be gone, we're not talking gigantic blood sucking vermin here. It's a little ole ant. Anyways, she was distracted which gave me a few more precious moments to finagle my way into the beef. But just then, I got distracted, I heard a loud noise... proceeded by me spotting my favorite toy waaaaaaaay across the room. By the time I had realized what I was originally doing, she snatched up the beef.. damn. Its a terrible thing, tasting success and then it is snatched away from you at the very last moment. I won't give up hope yet though, there's always next time.
Goodmorning!
What a great day so far. The humans have been home all morning, which means they are not going to work today (more attention for me). The birds are chirping away in the trees. All of the windows are open in the house for me to jump into. The best part is the girl has the ShopRite paper and a notepad out. Score!..That means new and tasty food will be entering the house soon. I always try to sneak into the plastic bags. She usually drops the bags off in the kitchen, then goes back to the car to get more. That's when I make my move. I usually try to get at the meat or milk before she comes back. It always fails though, by the time I find the right bag, she's back in the house telling me to move and get away. I'm going to keep trying though. Maybe one day, on her way back from the car she'll get lost and that will give me plenty of time to rip open the beef.
Happy Memorial Day
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Mad
Yeah, I'm mad. those two humans do this thing where every once in a while they pack a lot of clothes and stuff into bags. Then they take the bags and put them in the big shiny thing with wheels (the thing that takes me to hell, I mean.. the vets office). They get in that thing and don't come back for a while. Sometimes its a long time, and sometimes only a little. It doesn't matter though, they left me here all by myself. Do you know how bored I can get?
They think by refilling my water tank (yes tank, I'm too cool for just a simple bowl) that everything should be ok. They also think that petting me a lot and giving me some treats before they leave will make it ok. Wrong again. Those two dim bulbs also believe that by opening up a window upstairs for me to look out of will make me feel better while they are away. Hello?... you opened the window that is not near any of the good trees. I can't see any birds! That window only has a view of cars driving by, and do I look like a dog to you?
So anyways, back to why I'm mad... they came home today. It was only a short trip but it doesn't matter, I'm still pissed off. They think by acting all happy to see me and petting me makes me feel better, but they're wrong (as you may have noticed they're wrong a lot.. it's a human quality). Little do they know that I have already retaliated. You know those round shiny things, DVDs I think, well I knocked them all on the floor (on purpose). I'm sure they will step on them and break a few before they realize they are on the floor. Then, I noticed that the girl left her new black pants that she wears to work on the bed. So, I made sure to sleep right on top of them all weekend long. Yeah... let's just say those pants are a little furry right now, she'll love that). Finally, I jumped up onto the dining room hutch and knocked EVERYTHING down.... mail, stamps, magazines, and oh my favorite.. pens and pencils.
I'm still giving them the cold shoulder, right now they're sitting on the couches watching the big box that lights up. I'm standing a good 20 feet away, I need to keep my distance you know, let them know exactly how I feel. Hopefully next time they'll think about little precious Penny before they leave.
Update: (4 minutes later) - I have forgiven them and am comfortably laying on the couch next to the girl.
They think by refilling my water tank (yes tank, I'm too cool for just a simple bowl) that everything should be ok. They also think that petting me a lot and giving me some treats before they leave will make it ok. Wrong again. Those two dim bulbs also believe that by opening up a window upstairs for me to look out of will make me feel better while they are away. Hello?... you opened the window that is not near any of the good trees. I can't see any birds! That window only has a view of cars driving by, and do I look like a dog to you?
So anyways, back to why I'm mad... they came home today. It was only a short trip but it doesn't matter, I'm still pissed off. They think by acting all happy to see me and petting me makes me feel better, but they're wrong (as you may have noticed they're wrong a lot.. it's a human quality). Little do they know that I have already retaliated. You know those round shiny things, DVDs I think, well I knocked them all on the floor (on purpose). I'm sure they will step on them and break a few before they realize they are on the floor. Then, I noticed that the girl left her new black pants that she wears to work on the bed. So, I made sure to sleep right on top of them all weekend long. Yeah... let's just say those pants are a little furry right now, she'll love that). Finally, I jumped up onto the dining room hutch and knocked EVERYTHING down.... mail, stamps, magazines, and oh my favorite.. pens and pencils.
I'm still giving them the cold shoulder, right now they're sitting on the couches watching the big box that lights up. I'm standing a good 20 feet away, I need to keep my distance you know, let them know exactly how I feel. Hopefully next time they'll think about little precious Penny before they leave.
Update: (4 minutes later) - I have forgiven them and am comfortably laying on the couch next to the girl.
Saturday, May 28, 2011
I don't understand
You know, it's Saturday morning at 6am and I'm trying to get these damn humans to wake up, and they get mad at me?! I mean what's so hard to understand here, I slept all day.. I played all night.. slept for about 45 minutes early this morning and now I'm ready to eat and play.
To wake them up I first start out with jumping up on the dresser.From up here I can really survey the area and see what I'm working with. First I try to be nice, I play with the window blinds. You know.. I push my little paw in between the slats (remember, no thumbs so this can be a challenge) and I proceed to gently push the slats up and down. I figure this light delicate noise is a nice way to wake up. Well, do you know what that girl did? She looked up at me and yelled "Penny, No!" No what? I don't understand what she is saying no to. It is time to wake up.
So, plan A didn't work-- so I resort to plan B. The human (you know.. Mr. I'm so cool my name only has two letters in it) he keeps all of those whistling, beeping, and ringing devices devices on the dresser. so, I decided to gently place them on the ground (it's only 3 feet down and its carpeted.. soft bounce we're talking here people). I figure he loves these things so much because they are always attached to his hip, his ear, or he's always looking at them So, if I ever so lightly place them on the soft and fluffy carpet, he will get up to get them.
My plan failed. He was not happy that I moved his precious pieces of crap--he got up alright but it was to throw me out of the room! I mean, the audacity of these people. The last time I checked, ummm, this was MY house. Who has their toys all over the place? Me. Who has their scent on everything? Me. And, who has a bed in every single room of the house? That would be me. It's my damn house and they had no right to throw me out of that room.
Because of their hurtful and inconsiderate actions, they have left me no choice.... Plan C. I tried to be nice, but no... they didn't appreciate that. So, I then proceed with plan C. First, since I've been thrown out.. I ram my head as hard as possible into the door. This makes a very loud noise and swings the door open. . I jump back up onto the dresser. In doing so I slide right into the plastic rectangle, the contraption where they put those shiny round discs into... and I allow that contraption to slide straight into the window and crash. finally, I get a good running start and do a flying leap on the bed. Lucky me, I landed right on the girls back (target hit). The girl human shot up out of bed and started yelling at me (very foul language might I add). She seemed very pissed off. Well, that resulted in her waking the boy up.
All I have to say is... MISSION COMPLETE.
I hope you all can see that I tried to be nice and civil about this. The humans are the ones that went and made this extremely difficult. I heard the girl say "oh my God that damn cat". Damn cat? I'm the one that tried to wake you up so sweetly by bending your brand new window blinds that you took like 2 hours to install (I even remember that I tried to help untangle the strings for you, which you did not appreciate).
Sometimes I just don't get these two.... Well, I'll be trying again tomorrow, bright and early :)
-Penny
To wake them up I first start out with jumping up on the dresser.From up here I can really survey the area and see what I'm working with. First I try to be nice, I play with the window blinds. You know.. I push my little paw in between the slats (remember, no thumbs so this can be a challenge) and I proceed to gently push the slats up and down. I figure this light delicate noise is a nice way to wake up. Well, do you know what that girl did? She looked up at me and yelled "Penny, No!" No what? I don't understand what she is saying no to. It is time to wake up.
So, plan A didn't work-- so I resort to plan B. The human (you know.. Mr. I'm so cool my name only has two letters in it) he keeps all of those whistling, beeping, and ringing devices devices on the dresser. so, I decided to gently place them on the ground (it's only 3 feet down and its carpeted.. soft bounce we're talking here people). I figure he loves these things so much because they are always attached to his hip, his ear, or he's always looking at them So, if I ever so lightly place them on the soft and fluffy carpet, he will get up to get them.
My plan failed. He was not happy that I moved his precious pieces of crap--he got up alright but it was to throw me out of the room! I mean, the audacity of these people. The last time I checked, ummm, this was MY house. Who has their toys all over the place? Me. Who has their scent on everything? Me. And, who has a bed in every single room of the house? That would be me. It's my damn house and they had no right to throw me out of that room.
Because of their hurtful and inconsiderate actions, they have left me no choice.... Plan C. I tried to be nice, but no... they didn't appreciate that. So, I then proceed with plan C. First, since I've been thrown out.. I ram my head as hard as possible into the door. This makes a very loud noise and swings the door open. . I jump back up onto the dresser. In doing so I slide right into the plastic rectangle, the contraption where they put those shiny round discs into... and I allow that contraption to slide straight into the window and crash. finally, I get a good running start and do a flying leap on the bed. Lucky me, I landed right on the girls back (target hit). The girl human shot up out of bed and started yelling at me (very foul language might I add). She seemed very pissed off. Well, that resulted in her waking the boy up.
All I have to say is... MISSION COMPLETE.
I hope you all can see that I tried to be nice and civil about this. The humans are the ones that went and made this extremely difficult. I heard the girl say "oh my God that damn cat". Damn cat? I'm the one that tried to wake you up so sweetly by bending your brand new window blinds that you took like 2 hours to install (I even remember that I tried to help untangle the strings for you, which you did not appreciate).
Sometimes I just don't get these two.... Well, I'll be trying again tomorrow, bright and early :)
-Penny
Friday, May 27, 2011
Let's give this a whirl
So let's see here... Bear withme, it can be prettyhard to type when your fingers and hands are covered in fur. Oh, and havingno thumbs?! What the hell is that all about.. Thanks for that one God. No thumbs really makesthat damn spacebar hard to press.
Don't worry, I'll get the hang of this, it's not so bad. Except, Amanda's laptop is slow as hell.. we need to work on this. Hold on... stupid pop-ups. Really, I won $1,000,000.. What is a cat goingto do with $1,000,000. Now, if I see a pop-up saying I won 1,000,000 tasty treats, or 1,000,000 bread bag twist ties, then we will have something worth talking about.
Let's start with some introductions. I of course am Penny. I'm "Purrfect" get it? I'm a cat... me... purr? I'm sure you humans are smart enough to pick up on that one (maybe). But yes, I'm Penny, your wonderful, fabulous and friendly house cat. They tell me I'm about 3 years old.
As I mentioned before there's Amanda.. the girl human. She's alright I guess. Then there is the boy.. A.J. (only two letters?, stupid humans...). He's okay too. I mean they're humans, you can't expect too much, but it could be worse.
A few years ago, the day after Christmas, the boy and girl human came to get me out of that damn cage at the v...v....ve...(gulp).. vets office. I hate that place. Nothing, and I repeat nothing good ever comes out of visiting the vets office. You get squeezed, pushed, grabbed, poked and those cold glass sticks shoved up your ass?! Still tryingto figure that one out. Man... that gives me chills just thinking about it.
The boy and girl brought me to their home. I must say, I was impressed. A whole house is way better than a 3x3 metal cage that smells like cat piss... Hey it wasn't me, I think it was that damn Russian Blue next to me (she was a bitch anyways). I was in that cage for over a year, since I was six months old. It was nice of them to pick me. Well, why wouldn't they? I know everyone would always come to the vet's office and choose a kitten. I'm top-notch, and those humans knew that.
I never understood why people always wanted kittens. Kittens are always scared out of their minds, claw the shit out of everything, and piss onthe floor?! These two humans aren't too dumb, they knew where the good stuff was at (I'm talking about me of course).
So, now its me, and the humans. It can get pretty interesting around here. But, I think its working out pretty well. Time for a snack and a nap.
-Penny
Don't worry, I'll get the hang of this, it's not so bad. Except, Amanda's laptop is slow as hell.. we need to work on this. Hold on... stupid pop-ups. Really, I won $1,000,000.. What is a cat goingto do with $1,000,000. Now, if I see a pop-up saying I won 1,000,000 tasty treats, or 1,000,000 bread bag twist ties, then we will have something worth talking about.
Let's start with some introductions. I of course am Penny. I'm "Purrfect" get it? I'm a cat... me... purr? I'm sure you humans are smart enough to pick up on that one (maybe). But yes, I'm Penny, your wonderful, fabulous and friendly house cat. They tell me I'm about 3 years old.
As I mentioned before there's Amanda.. the girl human. She's alright I guess. Then there is the boy.. A.J. (only two letters?, stupid humans...). He's okay too. I mean they're humans, you can't expect too much, but it could be worse.
A few years ago, the day after Christmas, the boy and girl human came to get me out of that damn cage at the v...v....ve...(gulp).. vets office. I hate that place. Nothing, and I repeat nothing good ever comes out of visiting the vets office. You get squeezed, pushed, grabbed, poked and those cold glass sticks shoved up your ass?! Still tryingto figure that one out. Man... that gives me chills just thinking about it.
The boy and girl brought me to their home. I must say, I was impressed. A whole house is way better than a 3x3 metal cage that smells like cat piss... Hey it wasn't me, I think it was that damn Russian Blue next to me (she was a bitch anyways). I was in that cage for over a year, since I was six months old. It was nice of them to pick me. Well, why wouldn't they? I know everyone would always come to the vet's office and choose a kitten. I'm top-notch, and those humans knew that.
I never understood why people always wanted kittens. Kittens are always scared out of their minds, claw the shit out of everything, and piss onthe floor?! These two humans aren't too dumb, they knew where the good stuff was at (I'm talking about me of course).
So, now its me, and the humans. It can get pretty interesting around here. But, I think its working out pretty well. Time for a snack and a nap.
-Penny
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